Good Grief

Tiqeece, a Black man with black hair, wears a blue shirt, plaid blue tie, and grey blazer. He is smiling and holding a book.By Tiqeece Brown

Grief is something that touches all of us. How we respond — or don’t respond — when we are grieving can be pivotal. At its core, grief is the mental and emotional process of learning how to live with loss.

That loss doesn’t always look like death.

Grief can manifest in many ways: procrastination, anger, depression, anxiety, withdrawal, isolation, and even physical symptoms such as chronic fatigue, weakened immunity and bodily pain. When left unaddressed, many people cope in unhealthy ways. This reality contributes to the often-repeated statement that lawyers experience high rates of substance abuse and mental health struggles.

But the real question is this: what are we doing to prevent ourselves from experiencing the consequences of unresolved grief before it reaches crisis?

1. Not All Grief Looks the Way We Expect

Nothing can be addressed without acknowledgment. Most people associate grief with the death of a loved one, but many of the losses we experience are quieter, hidden and rarely validated.

There is a name for this: Disenfranchised Grief.

Coined by Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, disenfranchised grief refers to losses that society does not openly acknowledge as “worthy” of mourning — losses that don’t come with casseroles, sympathy cards or time off to breathe.

Examples include:

  • Realizing you are not where you thought you would be in life.
  • Becoming a version of yourself you barely recognize just to survive.
  • The loss of a pet.
  • The loss of a deeply rooted tradition.
  • Sending a client to prison.
  • The loss of close friendships.
  • Feeling crushed under expectations from colleagues, the profession or workplace culture.

Just because your grief isn’t widely understood doesn’t make it any less real or any less heavy.

2. You Cannot Do Well When You Are Unwell

The legal profession is demanding. High-stakes decisions. Long hours. Emotional suppression. Chronic stress. We are trained to be composed, controlled and competent  even when things inside of us are unraveling.

But ignoring pain doesn’t make strong lawyers. It makes burned-out ones.

Taking care of yourself is not weakness. It is responsibility.

3. BarCARES Exists For You

BarCARES is a confidential counseling resource specifically designed for legal professionals, without fear of professional repercussions or disciplinary consequences.

You are entitled to:

  • Three free counseling sessions per year.

This resource is for:

  • Attorneys
  • Judges
  • Paralegals
  • Law students
  • Legal staff

And it is completely confidential.

TLDR: BarCARES

Who: Members of the legal community (including law students)
What: Three free annual counseling sessions
When: At your pace — but sooner is better than later
Why: Because your mental health matters
Where/How: Learn more about BarCARES and your benefits on this web page. 
Call 1-800-640-0735 or 919-929-1227 (business hours). You can speak directly with the BarCARES Program Coordinator or leave a confidential voicemail.

4. Parting Words

“It’ll be fine.”
“That’s just the way it is.”

Those phrases have harmed more lawyers than they have helped.

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