An Apology to Myself, Part 1: Imposter Syndrome
By Qeece:
Bro, young Simba, I owe you a huge apology. I’m so sorry for not maximizing your potential. I am sorry for doubting you for one bit. I let you down. I let us down. I take full responsibility. I want to take this time to reflect, highlight the experiences, and remind us about giving ourselves grace. It is called the practice of law for a reason.
Candidly, our imposter syndrome didn’t come from not belonging because of intellect. We are all smart. Our imposter syndrome came from feeling like our identity didn’t mesh with the traditional standards and customs of the legal environment.
“We went to law school, so we are all Type A personalities.”
What if I am type X and have traits of personalities A, B, C, and D? Is that acceptable?
I felt like a fish out of water. I felt alone. I felt out of place. I felt like the Black sheep, literally. For the longest time, I know you felt as if you were “too Black” for the profession — whatever that means. Seeing the stares, microaggressions, subtle gestures, the look of uncomfortableness or shock, performative lip service, or lack of relatability initially made me question how I present to others. I subconsciously take the bass out of my voice to make others comfortable, for fear they will think my voice is too commanding or authoritative. We were told “be yourself,” and that “reputation is everything.” But is “being yourself” an implicit conditional statement? Does it mean to “be you,” as long as it makes others comfortable? What if someone misconstrued me as being cocky, aggressive, or threatening based on their interpretations of our actions or how we appeared? Does that mean that our reputation is now based on someone’s erroneous assessment and limited cultural view? That doesn’t sound fair.
I prioritized the comfort of others over my own, but when I did that, I also devoid the environment of our brilliance, perspectives, and idiosyncrasies. When have we ever fit in or desired to? Never, so why try now? Embrace being the unicorn. I am here to reinforce that there is nothing wrong with you . . . us. I understand those thoughts, but Qeece, be consistently you, and that will be your reputation to those who intentionally take the time to get to know you . . . us.
People do their best work when they are comfortable. I am sorry that I exhausted so much energy from how I thought others might perceive us. I did not redirect the energy towards building us up and partaking in moments that fulfill and rejuvenate us. You belong. You have met others who genuinely went out of their way to understand, listen, and make sure you belonged, and they saw you as you — a socially conscious black man who identifies as a unicorn. Sidenote: LOL, bro, that is wild that you refer to yourself as a unicorn; many years ago, that comparison would have never left our lips; shout out to growth.
I apologize for playing small and dimming our light, which didn’t benefit us. I’m sorry for forgetting who we are and gradually adopting others’ limitations. Young Simba . . . it’s time to go down the yellow brick road and regain our roar and courage.